I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’m always thinking. Once upon a time, I was obsessed with learning, absorbing information and gaining a higher perspective on the world. And then, I was obsessed with creating, with breathing life into my dreams and crawling inside of the characters that filled my mind every waking moment.
These days, I’m obsessed with making it to tomorrow. I want to learn and I want to create, but the underlying passion that used to keep me up through the twilight hours–typing furiously into the night–is gone. On a good day, I can read just over 10 pages of a book or write in my journal. On bad days, I sleep. I’m torn between feeling exhausted/fatigued, and feeling as though I’m not doing enough to reach my goals. Am I doing too much or not enough?? I can’t tell.
And what are goals, really? Finish lines that lead you to more finish lines, never satisfied, never happy with what you’ve done. I need a vacation. I need a new computer. I need a camera to film with. I need a day where this existential fog dissipates and leaves me with a clear vision of my life and future once again.
You’ve felt like this before, haven’t you? All of us feel the fog of uncertainty at some point. We allow ourselves to be swallowed whole by the candy store of Social Media, scroll, scroll, scroll, click, click click, always searching for another distraction. I have one last piece of business to wrap up on Facebook, and then I’m disappearing for a while. Unplugging from the Void and plugging into my own mind for a while.
It’s strange to think about how energy flows. Three short months ago, I was full of passion and potential on the cusp of a new, exciting chapter. These days, I find solace in small victories like…. getting out of bed and having vegetables for dinner. I feel as though all my energy and passion has been sucked dry by the void and the emptiness of daily life. I have spent months seeking distractions and excitement, only to be left unsatisfied by these fruitless adventures. No more distractions. No more void. Time to straighten out all the knots in my mind and mend the torn fabric of my soul.